If you find yourself caught in love

holy crap - 2 months!

2008-05-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

It feels like only yesterday that I posted last. Apparently it's been 2 months.

I'm currently sitting in my living room with an industrial restoration fan going. There was a bit of a leak and my dishwasher may need to be repaired. Tonight, however, I have to try and sleep with this thing going.

We'll see how that goes.

Anyways, award for best website this week is: GraphJam: Pop culture for people in cubicles.

I work with a lot of graphs and such at work. So many sometimes that I want to scream and run far away; avoid it all together. But then I think, "What about KPI's - won't somebody please think of the KPI reports that need to be done in order to quantify that we are on target and doing what we are supposed to be doing?"

A picture is worth a thousand words, according to my project management instructor. But how about a giggle every now and then? That's why I love GraphJam, it's everything that a pop culture whore like me needs when I'm having a stressful day at the office. That's pretty much going to be the next 6 weeks for me.

I'm imagining things already: customers complaining, emails piling up, items not processed and all for a 3 day course. Is it worth it? We'll see on Monday. Hopefully GraphJam will have something to cheer me up.

This weekend is the birthday of one of my best friends. It's definitely been a project to manage but I think things will work out. Hopefully everyone shows up and eats and contributes a bit towards the coffer. And of course the hope that the ex-bf doesn't bring his current gf (who I suspect he bought a corset (piece of lingerie) for WELL before we split) and her daughter. But that would be in a perfect universe.

On another topic: I hate cell phones. People: if you are out with someone or talking to them (in person) DON'T ANSWER IT. That's what voicemail is for. Let them leave you a message. Honestly, I feel like a second class person sometimes, especially when they are really long discussions. I'm not saying I follow my own rules 100% but I try and make sure that it's only important phone calls that I get. But really, I love my cell phone. I got rid of my landline because no one would call me on it. I rarely used it and it was a waste of $25 a month. MAYBE, if Telus got its act together and offered Telus TV in my area, I would combine all of services and get internet, tv and a land line with them. But they are stalling and say that they are "working on it." For now, Shaw gets my money.

That's it! Good night! Happy readings! I'm off to my bed then maybe the gym tomorrow morning at the evil hour of 6:00 am and a sub-terran class on project management.

Oh, and here's a feel good photo for all the ladies:

i heart postsecret

2008-03-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

Posted everyone Sunday (and sometimes earlier), PostSecret, oddly enough, often describes exactly my current feelings.

I found this postcard recently:

At first I thought damn, that's totally me.

Then, I realized - what if I was never actually in love. But I was instead in love with the idea of being in love. Of someone caring about me, supporting me, being a partner in life, something I didn't get. I sure loved the idea of it and tried damn hard to give it and get it.

make the drilling stop!

2008-03-03T21:38:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting few weeks and a bit. I went through a real angry period but I finally allowed myself to release it and not blame myself anymore.

So that being said I'm feeling way better and on a roll.

Except for today when I woke up with a migraine, went to work and stayed until 2:30 then came home and had a nap only to wake up to the neighbour drilling into the concrete walls. Luckily it was just the tail end of my migraine so I survived.

I've found lately that going to the gym is addicting. I have to work out nearly every day or at least get out of the house. It's good to have a focus and goals. Now I just have to work on the foodstuffs.

I've been rather social lately and I can't believe I stopped or slowed down with hanging with my friends when I was with someone. I must resolve to never allow hat to happen again. Ever.

Now, where did the sun go?

hold your tongue

2008-02-16T00:17:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of really mean things that I could say right now cuz I am REALLY drunk, but I won't. Okay, most of the mean stuff is about the ex. But I have to be dignified, right?

Anyways, I was on the bus to and fro a friend's house today when the bus went by a gas station (the Mohawk on Clark/Como Lake) and I realized that when I was 18 my bf at the time and I were on our way to Whistler when he got a text message from someone. He ignored it and went in to pay for the gas. I, meanwhile, checked the text message and it was from his ex.

I have to ask myself. What the fuck is wrong with the guys I attract/am attracted to? Honestly? They need a do-over.

Lo-serrrrs.

My funny valentine

2008-02-12T16:15:00.000-08:00

It's already the best Valentine's Day in about 2 years.

Last year was shit. Absolute shit. The year before that, well, interesting.

This year - I already got two packages of chocolate and a secret valentine in the mail today!

I was totally surprised!

No return address, no writing inside. I'll have to work on decyphering the hand-writing. I have a few ideas. I'm just curious about who actually knows the name of my apartment building......

The sleuthing begins....

Oh - here's the picture on the front of the card. Someone knows I like pink.

17 years

2008-02-10T00:26:00.001-08:00

It was 17 years ago today that my Papa passed away.

Being the only grandchild that may really remember him is a little sad. Especially since I may be the only one to remember him before he had the stroke that would confine him to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

I was also the only one of my siblings to attend his funeral. I was only 8 years old at the time and my siblings even younger. The day he passed away my family was just moving back to Vancouver after living in the Okanagan for 1.5 years. We missed seeing him by mere hours. It was a Saturday.

I remember arriving at my other grandparents' house and my mom getting a phone call. I just remember her face. I don't think she even said anything. She didn't need to.

We used to play the 6/49 together and I'd get to fill in the spaces, I'd ride with him in his wheelchair when at the mall and that he always had lifesavers, especially in the hospital: butterscotch.

So, Papa, today we think of you, and remember.

2 very happy stories today

2008-02-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

I was so happy when I logged onto BBC this morning.

I always knew that there was a really good reason that I wore heels - apparently they can be good for your sex life! Personally, I don't really believe the science stuff but I definitely feel a hell of a lot sexier in heals.

Then, just five minutes ago I read that an Arrested Development movie has been approved! Now, I only started watching the show recently on CBC but I love it, I just wish they had never cancelled it. Maybe they'll make a triumphant comeback because it was/is a brilliant show.

Next topic/current thought on my mind: How some people that seem so critical and important to your life can simply disappear (and you may not even miss them). I know, I know. I'm being mean. But deal with it.

wanna know what's REALLY cool

2008-01-31T10:20:00.000-08:00

Well, it certainly isn't finding pictures of your ex-boyfriend's CURRENT girlfriend on your computer. Not Facebook, not online, no, ON MY OWN COMPUTER.

Downloaded from somewhere or someone (and of course not by me).

It makes me wonder a few things:

-Was there anything sparking between the two of them while we were still together?

-Is the reason I got NOTHING for our 1 year anniversary (okay, I got a card AFTER I told him I was upset) because he spent all his cash going out for drinks with her?

AND....through the power of our good friend Facebook - I can now tell them less than 3 weeks after we broke up, he was in a relationship with her.

Hmmmm - didn't I ask him on December 8th if he was seeing her and he said no?

Yeah, all this on top of a cold/flu makes me feel fabulous. BUT, I know I made the right choice. She can find out what dating someone with no ambition and lots of debt and a porn collection that would shock Hugh Hefner.

seeeck

2008-01-30T21:06:00.000-08:00

I knew it was coming, it was only a matter of time.

I'm sick. I've never sneezed so much, sometimes six in one go.

I left work early today and I'm not 100% sure if I'll go in tomorrow.

Having recently purchased the first 4 Harry Potter DVDs (for only $30) I've got lots of stuff to keep me entertained.

scariest thing ever!

2008-01-27T02:42:00.000-08:00

I saw one of the scariest things this morning:

BIG NEWS FROM THE BOYS OF OUR PRE-TEEN DREAMS.

OMG, yes - there is talk of a NKOTB reunion. Since I didn't see them in concert in the 80s perhaps I'll get a chance this time?
Now where's my Donnie doll....

surprise of the night

2008-01-22T21:40:00.000-08:00

Who knew that getting your legs and toes waxed would hurt more than a Brazilian?
WHAT. THE. FUCK?

I don't know why, maybe I'm just desensitized?

Anyways, just my thought for the day.

It's a full moon, something must be up.

nothing like a good book

2008-01-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

This past month I have had A LOT more time to read. Plus I've felt more comfortable reading at home. It's bright with natural light in my new place. So, again, I've read a lot more in the past few weeks.
I've read The Kite Runner, A Thousand Splendid Nights, White Oleander, The Gum Thief and The Virgin Suicides. I'd have to say not too bad!
BTW: I found this on Post Secret and had to laugh.

But last night I decided to go see a movie. For weeks I've been promised to go see The Golden Compass but I've given up hope on that.
So last night I saw "The Kite Runner". Given that the book was amazing and unbeatable in film-version, the movie was pretty good. The young boys did an amazing acting job and the scenery was more spectacular than I could have imagined.
Ultimately, the book and film both give hope that Afghanistan was once a beautiful place that was more civilized, and that it can be once again.
One can only hope.

I had a massive headache last night and got about 10 hours of sleep. I'm hoping that was my "Sunday headache". Today's schedule includes doing a thorough cleaning of my apartment and 40 mins or so in the infrared sauna - YAY! Good sweat.

ack ack

2008-01-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

My left gland under my jaw is swelling up a bit. I really hope this doesn't mean I'm getting sick.
I don't want to be sick.
Every time I get sick I drop off 'the plan': that cannot happen this time. It simply cannot.

Current schedule;
Monday: gym (45 mins)
Tuesday: gym 45 mins)
Wednesday: gym (45 mins)
Thursday: gym (45 mins) swimming (30-45 mins)
Friday: usually my day off
Saturday: long walk up the city of hills, mat exercises and stairs
Sunday: long walk up the city of hills, mat exercises and stairs

Favourite breakfast:
oatmeal with raisins, cinnamon and chopped up apple

Yeah, exciting I know.
I think I need to go out dancing again. Maybe call in the girls for a Blarney night. But that will have to wait until payday. The budget is a little bit tighter now that I have to pay my full rent and utilities. ALTHOUGH at least I know that I can pay the rent and not worry about another person asking for a week's extension.

putting it all into words

2008-01-12T23:48:00.000-08:00

So, yeah, I haven't posted in a long time.
I know it's been a while and I've been thinking about what to write, but everything sounds a hell of a lot better in my head; rather than on paper (read: website).

I realized that a few days ago was 2 months. Two months since feeling loved.
But loved by a single person.
However I realized that my friend' love is hell of a lot more fun and supportive.

First loves are rough. Like, REALLY fucking rough. Especially when they end.
At first I felt like an absolute failure. I mean absolute. I tried everything to make life easier: lunches made, laundry dinner, romantic evening in Whistler [which turned out to be the biggest fucking waste of money EVER].
But do I want to take it all back? No. Well, okay, maybe sometimes I do, but then the logical side of me comes out. I've learned that if another person isn't willing to put the same effort into a relationship then they don't love you. And a thousand splendid drunk rambles about how amazing and wonderful you are DO NOT CUT IT. Especially if they are never repeated when sober.

But the past week and a half has been good. I am in control of my life. I have been eating well. Working out at least 6 times a week (including gym AND swimming on Thursday). And reading. I missed reading and enjoying quiet time: no music.
I cook what I want. I watch what I want on tv and listen to whatever music I enjoy and am in the mood for. PLUS my alcohol supply is still in tact. Plus I have reconnected with awesome friends (THANK YOU!)
(Oh, and get this: I can go into crowded places and not listen to people being called stupid and idiots.)

Today was an interesting time though.
I woke up around 8am, went for my usual up-the-hill and around the promenade walk then went downtown for coffee (BTW: it is possible to go for coffee other than sbux in Vancouver). On the skytrain ride back I had to ring the alarm for security because a drunk guy was causing trouble. Yeah, I might get a call from the police for a report. It was exciting!

I love waking up early on weekends and enjoying the quiet.

cure for the common hangover

2008-01-01T10:43:00.001-08:00

Hahahaha - no hangover today!
Happy New Year everyone!
I found this site that may help you fix yourself up after last night's festivities.

Hangover Cures

PS - I have lots to write but I need a good greasy breakfast first (last one for a LOOOONG time)

my gift to you

2007-12-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

Gentlemen, ladies, women.
Here are some tips for you. Trust me, they would have worked on me.

How the Little Things Count

repetition

2007-12-19T22:19:00.000-08:00

Ever have the realization that you're not the first person to feel or be treated a certain way?
Yeah, I had that happen to me yesterday.
Life's lessons are hard, like REALLY hard.
Where and when do you learn to walk away from something you worked so hard on and cared so much about?

Then you realize for some people, an apology would come too late and they lost out. Big time.

simple joys of being single

2007-12-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

Today I had an epiphany of sorts: a realization of me and my place in the world.
It was a rough start to the weekend. Two let downs and a lonely Saturday, save for a good friend and lunch at the local greasy spoon. Positive affirmations are really the only thing saving me from downing a litre of roasted marshmallow ice cream and a container of cheese.

First things first: simple joys of being single
~peeing with the bathroom door open
~returning to one's house in the same condition one left it
~drinking out of fancy glasses without anyone asking what the special occasion is
~sleeping in the middle of a queen-sized bed
~silence
~watching the Real Housewives of Orange County and not morning cartoons
~my liquor is only being drank by me and I know how much there is at all times
~the shoe rack is full of my shoes, and my shoes only
This is a start, there are more, but I'll start small.

But now onto my epiphany. As I mentioned before it has been a rough weekend. Tears have flowed quite easily but I'm grateful for my friends that have supported me and my decision to make a huge leap for my own happiness. (You have to think about yourself.)
I am amazing. I have traveled (somewhat) extensively on my own through Europe. I have a job, no, a career and a future at a fabulous company. I am a very open person to talk to, especially about gender and sex (I may even know TOO much - if that's possible.) I have ambition, drive, motivation, dreams, goals and a plan. I go to school part-time on top of my full-time job and just got 97% in my class. My friends are fantastic and supportive. I've got an amazing family that supports me 110% in my decisions. I deserve the best.
Drumroll for the epiphony:
It's not what's wrong with me that is the question. I will no longer ask what I did because I've cried enough over that. The only thing I did wrong was care and try hard when I wasn't reciprocated and I deserve better. I deserve the best.

joys of apartment living

2007-12-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

Laundry night.
Where I used to live I had 24/7 access to the laundry room (both washer and dryer).
Now I have to pay to do my laundry and wait for others to complete their's. One person has a duvet that smelled of cat pee - oh joy, yummy.
Tonight I ran into a woman that I used to work with at a job I left almost 2.5 years ago. Yeah, you never know who you're going to run into in the laundry room. And no, the duvet wasn't hers.
Back to Christmas cards. What an exciting life I lead.

christmas comes early to little 'ole me

2007-12-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

I'm psyched! This is my early Christmas gift!

sophisticated lady

2007-12-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

Oh Ella, how I love your tunes. Your voice echoes throughout me.

Yesterday was a difficult day. Moving was rough and I felt useless as my back has been really sore recently and I can't lift anything too heavy or bend over certain ways. But good friends came through and helped me a tonne. I don't know what I would have done without them or my family.

This morning I awoke in my new apartment to white stuff on the ground - SNOW! I wasn't expecting it at all. Luckily it didn't stick to the ground or roads.

My house is starting to come together. One picture is up on the walls and my books are in my bookcase, plus I've used my dishwasher 3 times in about 24 hours.
Moving from a house to an apartment is extremely challenging; everything you kept for those 'just in case' situations really needs to be tossed.

I was told the other day that someone thought I was a home-body. Am I really? I don't think so. I like going out, with friends, family, etc. However there are certain places where I do not enjoy going: bars where all you do is stand around and drink or go in the smoke room. I loathe smoking, it makes me ill and gives me headaches (plus it'll kill you) so I guess not liking certain places has meant that I am a homebody to some.
But perhaps I have changed in the past year. I realize it. I used to go out and see a lot of people that I rarely talk to now. Simply put, I don't like who I've become. I want to go back to having fun AND being responsible because I think we can have both, you just have to be conscious. But I refuse to go places that I do not feel comfortable.

Rules of existance (version 1):
-don't be afraid to ask questions, you never know what they may lead to
-do not give up the right to be happy

And we'll continue more later.

countdown to the beginning

2007-12-05T20:45:00.001-08:00

About this time last year I was in LALA land. I was being picked up from my Christmas party, swooned, adored, called. Now I'm packing up my life from the past 2 years at the Rainbow Palace and moving on. It's rather amazing how things have changed.

Today was my final exam for my class and I couldn't be happier. This week is high stress. Moving, packing, school, meetings, new home. I can't wait until Sunday morning. I want to shop for Christmas presents, decorate my house and bake. Something I haven't been able to do because it just means I have more stuff to pack up.
It's been really difficult coming home every night to an empty, dark house. Packing and cleaning everything myself then going to bed in an empty bed. It's strange what you get used to.

Tonight I got home, made dinner and put on Casino Royale. Everyone needs a little eye-candy to take their mind off of things. To feel attracted to someone. Perhaps even feel sexy, something I haven't been feeling lately. Rather, I've felt rejected and ignored. But I know this will change soon enough.
I've actually felt guilty of knowing what I wanting and having the gumption to actually state what I want and need in my life. I refuse to feel that way again.
I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. ~Madonna

I think, therefore I'm single. ~Lizz Winstead

Finally, I leave you with:
The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won't hurt you again.

oh, and this hot studd:

QoTD

2007-11-29T20:41:00.000-08:00

Let's try something new, shall we?

It's been a rough month, okay, a really rough month or three.
I've been searching for a method to express and release some energy and ideas so let's try a return to blogging. I picked the name of this blog almost a year ago and saved it.
It's a little ironic now, seeing as I'm not a girlfriend anymore. But it works out for reasons I won't explain at this moment.

I'm moving during the next month. For the first time I'm actually officially living by myself. No part-time roommates, etc. Just a 1 bedroom for little 'ole me. That being said the posts will be minimal and/or short. Probably consisting of quotes and ideas. Don't expect too much.

So here's a start:
'Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.'
-Janet Fitch, White Oleander