I know it's been a while and I've been thinking about what to write, but everything sounds a hell of a lot better in my head; rather than on paper (read: website).
I realized that a few days ago was 2 months. Two months since feeling loved.
But loved by a single person.
However I realized that my friend' love is hell of a lot more fun and supportive.
First loves are rough. Like, REALLY fucking rough. Especially when they end.
At first I felt like an absolute failure. I mean absolute. I tried everything to make life easier: lunches made, laundry dinner, romantic evening in Whistler [which turned out to be the biggest fucking waste of money EVER].
But do I want to take it all back? No. Well, okay, maybe sometimes I do, but then the logical side of me comes out. I've learned that if another person isn't willing to put the same effort into a relationship then they don't love you. And a thousand splendid drunk rambles about how amazing and wonderful you are DO NOT CUT IT. Especially if they are never repeated when sober.
But the past week and a half has been good. I am in control of my life. I have been eating well. Working out at least 6 times a week (including gym AND swimming on Thursday). And reading. I missed reading and enjoying quiet time: no music.
I cook what I want. I watch what I want on tv and listen to whatever music I enjoy and am in the mood for. PLUS my alcohol supply is still in tact. Plus I have reconnected with awesome friends (THANK YOU!)
(Oh, and get this: I can go into crowded places and not listen to people being called stupid and idiots.)
Today was an interesting time though.
I woke up around 8am, went for my usual up-the-hill and around the promenade walk then went downtown for coffee (BTW: it is possible to go for coffee other than sbux in Vancouver). On the skytrain ride back I had to ring the alarm for security because a drunk guy was causing trouble. Yeah, I might get a call from the police for a report. It was exciting!
I love waking up early on weekends and enjoying the quiet.
1 comment:
Sounds like it is a very good thing for you to be a free bird again.
And even when something like this ends, it's important to not let it feel like a waste. You gain something from every relationship (romantic or otherwise) no matter how toxic; whether it's a sense of strength, a new skill the other person taught you, or just learning what kind of partner you don't want in your life - it's all useful to you.
^_^
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